What do you do during the hard and heartbreaking seasons of your life? Do you run and hide? Or do you stand and fight? Are you grateful for grief? Or do you question God as you shuffle through the clutter and the chaos?

I have had my fair share of heartbreaking seasons during my lifetime –from the loss of my unborn child to the loss of my father and my last grandparent to failed suicide attempts, marriages and much more. I have seen it all.

Though there have been many times I questioned God’s love for me as I walked through all this grief, ironically I have learned to be grateful for the grief. Yes, I’m grateful because going through all that grief has taught me to appreciate the little things in my life – a cloudy day where I pick out all these animals in the clouds, or a rainy day where I watch in wonder as even the tiniest flower survives the storm.

Recently though, I’ve seen some sad destruction during some of the strongest storms I’ve seen in my lifetime with 80 mph winds. These winds unfortunately took down a 150-year-old tree at my old homestead and the huge Oak tree landed on my childhood home, destroying all three kid’s bedrooms. But due to the house being uninsured I’ve had to deal with the fact that all the upcoming rain will eventually flood all the house and destroy the rest of it. So for several days my mom and I have tried to empty it and deal with the disbelief that now all we have is our memories of our time there.

But rather than stay in sadness, I choose to trust in God, the One Who will never fail me. I choose to seek first the kingdom and all will be added. No, I cannot change what has happened, just like I can’t change anything that has happened throughout my whole lifetime. But I can change how I feel about the grief and be glad that I had so many amazing moments in my life that I get the opportunity to miss them.

I had five months of being pregnant with my daughter who now waits for me in heaven. I had a wonderful, loving father who is now free from pain and suffering and I believe I will see him again. I survived the stupid attempts that hospitalized me but made me wake up. I grew from the disappointments I had and grabbed God’s hand and kept on walking with Him. All this grief I am grateful for because it made me who I am today and it made me trust Him more.

Yes, I still have to deal with my own demons and put them in their place. I’m just not afraid of them anymore. I realize now that everything happens for a reason.

I’ve been raised in church and heard my whole life that faith is not a feeling, but yet I am human and I still feel. So instead of hiding from God or running away, I choose to run to Him. It’s where I go with my feelings and my fear that makes the difference. I go to my God.

Of course, the hard and heartbreaking seasons aren’t easy to walk through. But I have His promise that He won’t give me more than I can handle. And when I am weary I can count on Him to carry me through it all.

So I will sing of the sorrows but not stay in despair. I will cry through the night but I know my joy comes in the morning. I will give myself time to grieve my losses but I will never stop counting my blessings because they outnumber all my worries and woes.

I choose to remember that my God has got me no matter what happens and that I will offer Him the sacrifice of praise because He’s still Lord over my life even in the hard and heartbreaking seasons. I will be grateful for the grief.